It’s important to take 10 minutes every week and do a 5 love languages check-in to make sure your spouses love tank is being filled!
And you just have to ask one question!
This one question alone has radically changed our marriage!
By asking this question once a week, you can make sure that your spouse is feeling loved.
This one question has led to SO MANY great conversations for my husband and I.
What’s the ONE QUESTION that has made the single biggest impact in our marriage?
“How are your love languages, Honey?”
This question is nothing mind blowing, but WOW HAS IT MADE A DIFFERENCE!
Taking time each week to make sure neither spouses love tank is on empty can SAVE your marriage.
Because you are being proactive about staying connected to your spouse!
You are making sure that your spouse is feeling loved before anger or resentment build up.
Just as it’s better to take care of a cut before it gets infected, you have to take care of your marriage before hurt feelings fester and become a larger issue.
If you have no idea what the love languages even are, please read where I’ve covered what the 5 love languages are.
You also want to be using some of the practical ideas for the 5 love languages.
That list will help you start loving your spouse using the 5 love languages.
But how can you make sure that what you are doing is having the right impact on your spouse’s love tank and on your marriage?
By asking and getting feedback!
This exercise normally works best if both you and your spouse know the 5 love languages and what order each spouse’s languages are in, but even if your spouse doesn’t even know what a love language is, you can still complete this activity!
Read further down for how to complete this exercise if your spouse has no idea what the 5 love languages are!
5 Love Languages Check-In if Both of You Know the 5 Love Languages
If you and your spouse both know the 5 love languages, then this is pretty straight forward.
But this only works if you and your spouse can be completely HONEST.
Don’t get offended if they say that one of the areas is lacking or feels low.
That’s the whole point of the 5 love languages check-in!
I would be suspicious if my husband told me that every area was full.
I know I’m not perfect at showing him love, so I know that there are areas that I can do better in!
Let’s say you spent all last weekend cleaning, and your spouse says that acts of service is still low.
Instead of pointing out all of the things you did last weekend, ask what acts of service would make them feel loved.
Perhaps you spent all last weekend doing laundry, but that’s something they don’t mind doing, so it doesn’t fill their love tank as much as say taking the trash out or washing the dishes.
Again, the idea here is to get to know your spouse better with each check-in so that you can fill their love tank more effectively and get the most “bang for your buck” with your efforts!
One of you starts by asking the other person how their love languages are doing.
There are two ways that you can do this:
- Each person goes through all 5 love languages and shares how full their love tank is in each area
- You both discuss one love language at a time before moving onto the next one
My husband and I typically follow the first method, so this might be what our discussion looks like:
“Honey, how are your love languages doing?”
“Well, quality time is a bit low these days since we have been busy with work and we haven’t had any time just the two of us in a while.”
“Acts of service is good because you got all of the laundry done yesterday and I really appreciate you doing all of that so that I have my favorite jacket clean again.”
“Physical touch is okay, but we haven’t had any time to just snuggle on the couch and be together – I would really like that.”
“Gifts is fine – that’s my lowest love language and there’s nothing I’m really wanting. I still really appreciate the birthday gift you got me last month.”
“And last, words of affirmation is doing great – I appreciate all of the encouraging bitmoji’s and texts you sent me when I started my new job last week. I know I may have still been stressed at home and insecure about the new job, but it made me feel really loved.”
And then the other person can agree or comment on anything said and then they go through the same exercise.
How to Use Feedback from a 5 Love Languages Check-In
The goal here though is for both parties to walk away knowing what’s going well and what needs work.
After a check-in like this, I might suggest that during one of our daughter’s naps the next weekend, that my husband and I take some mommy/daddy time and sit and talk and snuggle and just be together to help fill the quality time and physical touch love tanks.
He also reminded me that even though gifts was fine, I hadn’t done anything in that area for a while, and so I might want to get something planned for next month so that his gifts love tank doesn’t dip down to Empty.
I would also make a mental note that he appreciated having his favorite jacket washed, so when I see it in the laundry pile next time, I will prioritize getting it washed.
Hopefully that example shows you how you can use a 5 love languages check-in to make practical changes to your marriage to better meet your spouse’s needs!
5 Love Languages Check-In if Only One Spouse Knows the 5 Love Languages
So what do you do if your spouse has no idea what a love tank is or what quality time is?
As long as you have a good understanding of what the 5 love languages are, you can ask more scripted questions (suggestions below).
You can ask all of these questions at once if you are on a date night.
Or if you are using these questions as part of a regular night at home, perhaps sneak one of these questions in once a night throughout the week!
“Hey honey, I was wondering if you feel like we have been spending enough time together lately? Do you think that we should plan an activity for just the two of us sometime in the next week or two?”
“Hey honey, I was wondering if there’s an activity you would want to do with me next weekend. I’m thinking it could be just the two of us. If you’re interested, we could either go on a walk together and talk? Or we could do a hobby you like doing together? Is that something you would enjoy?”
Hopefully these questions will clue you in to if their quality time love tank is empty or full.
It will also help you understand if quality time is their primary love language based on how quickly they jump at the chance to spend time with you.
“Hey honey, I was wondering if you feel like we spend enough time being physical together. Do you think we have sex often enough? How about snuggling together? Holding hands? Kissing?”
“Hey honey, I was wondering if you would want to snuggle up together and talk or watch a movie together. Or perhaps instead we could take a walk hand in hand?”
Hopefully these questions will clue you in to if their physical touch love tank is empty or full.
It will also help you understand if physical touch is their primary love language based on how quickly they jump at the chance to engage physically with you.
Words of Affirmation
“Hey honey, I was wondering if you feel like I have been encouraging enough as of late. Do my words show you how much I appreciate you and all that you do for our family?”
(to say to your husband) “Honey, have I told you lately how much I love and appreciate you? I really respect you and I appreciate how you lead our family. You are the best husband in the world!”
(to say to your wife) “Honey, have I told you lately how much I love and appreciate you? You do such a great job taking care of our home. You are the best wife in the world!”
Now before you think some of that might sound cheesy, remember that these words should be genuine and from you, so script them into something that sounds like “you”.
Hopefully these prompts will clue you in to if their words of affirmation love tank is empty or full.
It will also help you understand if words of affirmation is their primary love language based on how much they seem to respond to your words.
If your words really seem to lift their mood, then perhaps this is a primary love language for them.
“Hey honey, do you like when I bring you home a small surprise? Say like a bouquet of flowers? Or buying you a movie that you’ve been wanting to see?”
“Hey honey, does it make you feel loved when you get a handmade gift from me?”
“Hey honey, what was the last thing I bought you? Did you like it?”
Hopefully these questions will clue you in to if their gifts love tank is empty or full.
It will also help you understand if gifts is their primary love language based on how quickly they remember the last gift you gave them or how much they seem to enjoy small gifts you give them.
Acts of Service
“Hey honey, I was wondering if you feel like I’ve been pulling my weight around the house?”
“Hey honey, I was wondering if there’s a chore that you despise the most.”
“Hey honey, I have some time tonight before bed, is there something I could organize or clean around the house that would make you feel loved?”
Hopefully these questions will clue you in to if their acts of service love tank is empty or full.
It will also help you understand if acts of service is their primary love language based on how much they seem to appreciate your help around the house.
These are all just suggestions, so make these questions fit your situation, but don’t underestimate the importance of checking in with your spouse on how your marriage is going in each of these five areas!
Are there questions that you and your spouse ask each other on a semi-regular basis?
I would love to hear what it is since my husband and I are always looking for new date night questions!
GretchenJanuary 20, 2020 at 10:34 pm
Love this! Greg and I just took the quiz and found our love languages and are starting to apply that!
Monster Cookie • Post Author •January 21, 2020 at 12:43 pm
That’s great Gretchen! I know it has helped us a ton! Be on the lookout for more 5 love languages posts coming soon, including how to evaluate what love language you think your kids have!